Biggles’ question (that’s almost certainly a fake name, but I’ll let it pass) : What is the most annoying song you’ve heard recently, and why? My answer: Biggles, that’s a toss-up between Lily Licks a Lolly and The Gummy Bear Song. And don’t try to convince me that the Gummy sings better in Japanese. I don’t care. After an extensive e-mail debate, the same reader wants to know if there’s a mime version of the Gummy Bear Song. My answer: I hope not.
Why are these songs annoying? Lily Licks a Lolly is highly disturbing. Grown women jumping around and licking enormous lolly pops while wearing Dorothy in Oz dresses and bows are clearly in need of counseling. Full-grown adult males who love this sort of thing also need counseling. Yes, I have a male friend who’s in love with either Lily or Lolly–I’m not sure which. As for the other song, green gummy bears who shake their jelly tushes for the camera are in need of squashing. Splat!
Arya’s question: What do you think of Pavlovian responses? My answer: When I see cavorting green gummy bears, I splat them. No thinking required. To be honest, I don’t think a lot about Pavlovian responses for the very reason responses are Pavlovian. And I am a salivating dog–salivating for a fight with green gummy bears. Or the full-grown male who spends his days watching Lily licking lollies on You Tube.
Molly’s question: Do you approve of finding game cheats on the internet? My answer: Molly, I approve of winning at any cost. If game cheats are the only way of doing that, I say, carry on with them. A couple of years ago, I was completely stymied while playing a Nancy Drew interactive mystery game. Nancy Drew, as we all know, is a detective, as well as a heroine. What would a good detective do, anyway? She would look up cheats and crack the codes. Solving the mystery is the higher good. Agreed?
Robin’s question: On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate Bollywood dancing? My answer: Robin, I would rate Bollywood dancing at a 10/10, but ratings depend on criteria. My criteria for dancing involves these sorts of questions, which I always ask myself when purveying dance shows: Do the dancers use colorful scarves and wear bright costumes? Do they dance to a staccato beat? Do they dance while wearing whimsical expressions on their faces? Does the dancing inspire words of pure happiness to spring to the lips of audience members? Can the songs and dances be applied to other ethnic models, such as Jane Austen or Michael Jackson?
Eddie’s question: What do you think of the declining value of astronomers in our society? My answer: Eddie, this is a particularly ambiguous question. Do they pay less taxes than they used to? Are their wages less than what they used to be? Or do we, as a society, value their profession less than we did, say, during the Enlightenment? If the last question, then the answer will be found in the stars. The stars have guided mankind for thousands of years. Why do we need astronomers when we can read our daily horoscopes on Facebook?
*These were questions I fielded on another social media site. Notice I’m not owning up to which one. Ahem. If you have any questions for me, please ask them in the comment section below. Thank you to all participants. As you can see, almost no question is beneath me, unless the questioner asks my opinion on curtains or edible clothing (I discarded those questions–sorry. I do have my limits.)