The Farthest Horizon of Civil Rights: Female Sea Monkeys Routinely Sexually Accosted by Time-Traveling Males

It’s a wonderful world indeed! I’ll bet that while you ate your nice dinner of peas and mashed potatoes and contemplated the possibility of time travel in a choose-your-own adventure novel, you had no idea what went on in the underwater world of sea monkeys. Yes, time travel is now possible–for sea monkeys. For years, humanity has contemplated the beauty and what-if questions of transporting through time. We could change the past and better the future; we could make all things right! Or wrong if we happen to be a super-villain with time travel technology. But have you ever wondered what happens to those Left Behind?

If you’re a female sea monkey, you have no choice but to stay up nights contemplating what will happen to you when the latest army of male sea monkeys returns home from “battle”. When they return, these males are driven by no other instinct but to propagate themselves, and they will commit any crime to get a mate, including sexual assault. One wonders what these sea monkeys witnessed in their travels. Some day, programs may be available for returning time-travel sea monkeys. But, meanwhile, we must consider the most immediate plight: that of the female sea-monkey.

What will the sea monkey do in order to produce offspring? According to this Wired article, Time-Traveling Male Sea Monkeys Make Bad Mates, the health of a female sea monkey is meaningless to a returning male, and he will use a variety of weapons to make certain she produces offspring for him, even to her detriment. He will go so far as to inject her with toxins that suppress her libido, in order that she mate with nobody but him.

And, folks, this behavior of sea monkeys has been going on for a long time, right under the noses of our children, who have encouraged the violent sexual assault without realizing it when they fell prey to deceptive ads like the one shown above. The necessity for action has come! Sea monkeys are in danger. We are in danger. Our children are in danger. As time travel becomes a nearer reality for us–as we learn from the methods of the sea monkeys–we approach a moral crossroads, and we must decide now what direction we will take. Time travel isn’t the sweet, erotic game we learned of in Time Traveler’s Wife. It isn’t the melancholic yearnings of a young man, whose early demise came about because he accidentally killed his grandfather.

As Duncan Geere, author of the groundbreaking article linked above, so deftly put it, “But either way, be warned: Sex with time travelers appears to be far more dangerous than anyone had previously realized.”


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