The Planet Sardon: On Ethics, Morality, and the Greeting Card Fund

It has been said that morality on Sardon is determined through riddles, some of which contain no answers. In fact, the vast library of spiritual and inspirational guidebooks resemble Earth-based 1980s joke paperbacks mixed with collections of chiastic expressions. In one tome, this journalist discovered that the morality tales hidden therein create palindromes, leading to the ultimate wisdom on the last page: Always do right backwards to cover your tracks before committing justifiable wrongness when you face forward again. In similar fashion, one terrible joke of unknown moral message asks, What says oh, oh, oh? The mysterious answer seems to be Santa walking backwards. Sardon, having a complex web of requirements to become sainted, is virtually bereft of them, but this joke could lend a clue as to why these few, well-fed men perpetually walk backwards, hooting oh ho! whenever they run into vehicles, people, or furniture.

Notwithstanding, the state of warfare fares better when the state is left standing after the war. This peculiar chiastic expression is inscribed on the dedication page of their “Jolly Book of Military Jaunts”. Thereafter, the passages in said book create their own individual chiastic paragraphs and chapters. Likewise, each chapter leads with advice of this sort: Go deliver a dare, vile dog! And this: Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era? The image illustrating the latter palindrome demonstrates that drawing onward involves sitting on the enemy wards of the state while using tattoo guns on their shirtless backs.

Recently, owing to Sardon’s continued obsession with using old-Earthian technology to inform their religion and morality, they’ve taken to creating morality-based CAPTCHAs that act as guardians at computerized entrances into government buildings, train stations, schools, and airports. The rationale behind these CAPTCHAs is that robotic terrorists are unable to correctly answer moral questions and, ergo, anybody else who can’t answer them must also be a robotic terrorist, or might possibly be, and it’s always better to be safe than sorry. Sorry, but not safe is the actual result: Few beyond the educated elite are able to answer correctly, and even those at the peak of academic success often only stumble onto the correct answer by their third and final try. In defense of their failings, these holders of Sardonian doctorates claim the CAPTCHAs are too simple for their minds, that morality is much more complex than simple answers, which is why–of course–they must give a string of three to unlock doors. But the uneducated masses, cynical as they are, don’t buy their stories–literally speaking, due to the word-based currency. Unfortunately, this archaic technology has offset the economy, resulting in the government bailing out the affected industries to the tune of trillions of words (see this entry for further information on their currency). This abuse of word-printing has subsequently lowered all standards everywhere, in speech, literature, education, and, most importantly, travel to leisure spots. Hence, the gourmet vegetable marrow production has dropped to an all-time low, as well (see this entry for more on the staple diet of Sardonians).

As crises often snowball in ways nobody can imagine, so has this CAPTCHA crisis. Leading scientists have attempted to cope with the new poverty by inventing genetically engineered super marrows, but because they experimented with splicing Sardonian genes into the marrow genes to increase crop yields, a strange pollination has occurred. Many Sardonian people are currently being born with heads shaped similarly to what we know of as turnips. Conspiracy theorists wander around mumbling, if they have any words at their disposal, “And where do you think the dirty seed came from that spawned the beasts? Ah, the giant marrow monster’s done the dirty deed.”

This brings me to the Greeting Card Fund that I’m currently supporting and promoting, using the divinely free words of my planet. The Sardonian people are in an economic crisis, but more than that, they are in a morality crisis. As interest rates rise, and the government continues to print empty words, those with access to the libraries of ethics and morality are surreptitiously cutting out the most valuable words in the joke books to trade for black market goods, and for cheat answers to CAPTCHA riddles. The League of Planets has come to the conclusion that the Sardonians simply need to be nuked to prevent their spawn from reaching other planets in the solar system and beyond. I disagree.

I ask you–you may hate the Sardonians–you may hate marrows to the core of your being–but do you want this race of intellectual thinkers to vanish from the universe? Do you? If not, I humbly request that you donate greeting cards of upright moral sentiments to the Greeting Card Fund. These impoverished Sardonians need words, and they need words that express truth and love and joy and pure feeling.
Would you have a heart for those whom you may despise? My heart breaks for the poor turnip babies.

Help the cause! Donate today!

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