The internet has provided me a means to press my finger to the pulse of the nation. I feel it. It thrums like the faint but quick pulse of a dying bird. And that dying bird is speaking loudly and clearly. Our once great nation is for the birds. How shall we peck ourselves back to greatness? That’s a finely constructed question, and I’ll answer it with the most logical tears I hold, which hang suspended from my tear ducts.
The birds speak: Some claim the vast majority of women are too pretty to take part in the political process, ergo our nation’s problems. Some claim the majority of men are too male to take part in the process, ergo our nation’s problems. The rest disparage whatever might be left of humanity–those who are neither male nor female and who are, ergo, the biggest problem. Because of this consensus, it has become imperative to test the incumbency, most notably because the weight of it is leaning heavily on my shoulders, and the pressure is killing me. Don’t preoccupy yourself with determining the best way to remove the burden. A problem solver isn’t what’s needed, or, as a great poet once said, “They’ll need a crane.” But, aside from using large machinery, I have an idea that’s so crazy it just might work.
I have culled a series of questions from our great academies of learning to filter out those who may not be logical enough to rebuild our civilization. Tears such as mine–logical ones–at one time created a picture of society so beautiful that those crying cried louder and longer until some hoodlums came along and smashed the image, leaving the peaceable ones to piece it back together as a complex mosaic of modern art. And so, I’m offering you a sampling of my questions that are assured to filter out those who should no longer take part in politics. Because the greatest logicians of our time have offered them up, they’re foolproof. Essentially, there are two ways to pass the exam: a) choose the correct answers or b) cry beautifully logical tears over the questions.
Sample moral question:
1. If a rooster’s wife is in labour, and he needs to find the fox who sits in the elegant armchair in order to learn to trust and obey what he can’t defeat, what should the rooster do?
a. fly south for the winter
b. sacrifice his wife and baby to the elegant fox
d. earn the size of his comb and be true to his hen
Sample graph analysis question (graph removed to prevent cheating):
2. In the graph, the eating habits of the American people are shown as changing drastically over a period of time between 2000-2010. Vegetable eating has grown at a rate of 10% over ten years, or 1% per year, while consumption of Cheetos has grown at an exponential rate of y=x^2 per year. Sugar consumption has been inversely correlated with the reduction of HFCS, with sugar consumption peaking at 3,000 lbs per person per year by 2009, and flattening over the year 2010. What does this demonstrate about shopping trends?
a. more and more American vegetarians are shopping at Whole Foods
b. more than ever, American consumers are purchasing bio fuels
c. Americans have become health-conscious shoppers thanks to My Plate
d. less filling, tastes great
Sample history question:
3. Read this excerpt and answer the question: “During the feudal system years of Europe, the peasants were happily protected from enemies, thanks to the feudal lords who acted as protective patriarchs of their blessed underlings, who in turn tilled the land in the glow of golden sunrises. The peasants were happy to allow their gracious lords to own all the land and weapons, as well as to sacrifice the best of their flocks for their lords’ feasts.” What can modern men learn from the feudal system?
a. a peasant’s life can be mathematically adapted to a musical score
b. a sword in the bush is better than two birds in the hand
c. a bone well cooked feeds a family of five
d. peasants make the best soldiers
As an incentive for you to share my so-crazy-it-just-might-work idea, a prize package awaits you if you answer all three questions correctly and/or prove without a doubt you cried beautiful tears over the questions. Tears may be collected and sent to my laboratory for analysis at P.O. Box 369 Panhandle, OK, 76902.