News of the Week:

When I first ran across this article, Yelling at Children is as bad as spanking**, I thought, well, duh everybody knows children who have parents will necessarily need therapy posthaste, preferably a priori haste, with the assumption that no age is too early for children to undergo therapy in order to manage what will inevitably be an abusive life. I recommend starting therapy in utero because pregnant mothers are–how shall I put this nicely?–hormonal and, therefore, emotional, and might aggravate their unborn children with serious earthquake like tremors every time they raise their voices. On a list of human emotions, anger is not one that child psychologists advocate, and they are currently working on a stronger-than-usual pacifying medication for parents who have ever been angry, are currently angry, or who are genetically prone to anger. The only side effect is hidden rage, but hidden rage is only problematic if it becomes found, in which case, parents will likely embark on a murderous rampage. One promising study, however, indicates that murderous rampages occur in a mere 7.625% of cases. Unfortunately, researchers have not been able to pursue further studies due to being slaughtered by the that slim 7.625%.

Then I actually read the article I had linked to and realized that it specifically addressed the damaging effects yelling has on adolescents. And I thought, Oh! That explains it! Everybody knows adolescents can’t and shouldn’t be bothered by their parents’ voices, especially when raised. If they were ever made aware that their actions or lack thereof triggered anger in their elders, it would shatter their self-satisfied and childish visions of the world. They might begin to logically deduce that they’re able to, indeed, push others’ buttons, and it would be far better, at this point in their tender lives, to let them believe that they are alone in the universe or, at the very least, that they don’t matter enough to spur people to highly agitative states of being. Keep them plugged in to whatever will distract them from non-emotive parents, psychologists say, so that they remain in a state of human purity as long as possible. Although parents might be tempted to subliminally suggest right behavior through the popular media to which their children are plugged in, they don’t have to worry unless they do. Scientists are already on the case and have been for some time now (beginning in 1969, to be exact). In fact, too much suggestion has been known to cause bouts of homicidal rage in 6.879% of adolescents, which is approaching the threshold for being a slim number and, hence, too risky. If only one teen is murdered by a friend, it’s one too many. So parents: Alert!! Don’t yell. Don’t suggest, either.

In other news, a team of researchers from Iceland, calling themselves Fantasy Busters*, has recently conducted a series of studies on the likelihood of what everybody knows being a true measure of reality. They were forced to conclude that what everybody knows is always true somewhere, even if what one person knows is exactly the opposite of what another person knows. This might seem a conundrum until one begins an extensive cosmological study. Everything is true, or at least possible, given the right set of circumstances. So it only follows that what everybody knows is true somewhere, at some point, or in a reality predetermined by neurological centers of activity.

*This time, I’m not being all hipster and cool and dissing on Christian publishers. Given the right set of circumstances, even a big house Christian publisher could produce good fantasy novels, even if everybody already knows otherwise.

**Originally, I had linked to this url, http://www.cnycentral.com/news/story.aspx?id=942768#.Ui0Z7M4gpOB, but was blocked. So I edited in an article from the WSJ.

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