A Case For No Longer Being Trained Monkeys

This is going to be a short post in which I complain obsessively about daylight savings time. I’ve long thought that politicians should be slapped more regularly with Swiftian flappers until they give up absurdities, such as the belief that we can move the sun or add or take away sunlight hours from the day. It’s a long-lasting example of the way in which governments will treat their citizens like monkeys trained to do ridiculous and unhealthful things. On the outside, it might seem like a minor nuisance — an arbitrary thing we do twice a year because it’s our shared religious tradition of sun or clock worship. Nowadays, the powers that be reach their hands down to change the clocks for us. That makes it official! Evidence for the hand of God!

Like many states, New Mexico has tossed around getting rid of the stupidity and becoming daylight savings atheists. Except that’s a lie. Rather, the people who wrote the bill were such religious zealots they wanted to remain perpetually in the time of late-day sun worship. It’s no surprise the governor tabled it. At the time, I was irritated with Ms. Martinez because going with permanent daylight savings would at least mean we wouldn’t have to do the trained monkey thing twice a year, even if it would conversely mean giving in to a religious idiocy. But ultimately, she was right to table it.

Yes, I’m probably exagerating. Yes, daylight savings probably bothers my health more than the average idiot monkey, being the insomniac that I am. If I’ve managed to establish a four-hour sleep span during standard time, daylight savings means kissing that nicety goodbye. That is most likely the case for any insomniac; changing the clocks is very, very bad for establishing a regulated circadian rhythm.

On the other hand, I’ve never died due to daylight savings, and it kills people every year. Heart attacks, strokes, an increase in traffic accidents — and all for in the worship of a false deity. I know I’m being a little snarky regarding the religious worship aspect, but seeing as how there’s no rational reason to change our clocks and pretend we’re adding sunlight to our days, I have to place it on the level of superstition. I don’t know what else to call superstition but an adherence to a pagan worship.

The funny thing is I read about a new (to me) medical fallout in an article this year: in-vitro fertilization is not as successful during the month of March post changing clocks. This got me interested in what it does to our general fertility rates. The CDC keeps a record of the months with the highest birthrates — the two biggest months are August and September, but the biggest window for births is between the months of July and October. It’s no surprise to me that if you count back nine months, the window of conception that correlates is what the government has left us of standard time, November through February. You could make a case that people don’t have anything better to do in dark cold winter months than go to bed early, which could be responsible for the increase in births nine months later. But you could also see how daylight savings time is unnatural to the human instinct and condition. You mess with our circadian rhythms and suddenly we don’t even engage as frequently in normal biological behavior. We make hay while the sun shines, but not that kind of hay. We make other hay. Or we sit inside and watch Netflix because we can and we don’t care that the sun is shining later than it ought to be. It’s surprising we manage to bring forth offspring at any time of year, to be honest.

What we don’t need, regardless of whether we sit inside and watch Netflix instead of truly honoring our sun god with outdoor sungazing, is the government continuing to treat us like idiot trained monkeys. All it would take to change things is massive noncompliance. Just don’t do it. Don’t change your clocks. Ignore the governors and congress and presidents and don’t do it. It’s that simple. Nothing cataclysmic will happen. Okay, maybe some cataclysms will occur, if machines are set to automatically change to daylight savings and workers don’t show up to do their part until the standard work time hour has actually come around. But what are a few cataclysms compared to gaining back our dignity from a government who thinks they are capable of moving the sun? A government who thinks they are deities? A government filled with idiots who needed to be slapped in a Swiftian sense a hundred years ago?

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