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News of the Week: Warning, Sarcasm Ahead*

11 Body Parts Defense Researchers Will Use to Track You But don’t worry. As soon as we merge with machines and become human robots, they’ll only need to track us by our simple hardware. God’s complexity is a lot for the government to contend with, after all. All that complexity-tracking really just makes the top-level researchers feel really brilliant and geekier than the rest of us. Once we’re all robots, the playing field will be levelled. We’ll all be geeky geniuses, unless the researchers code us to be dumb-asses who pick our noses while watching reality TV. I can’t wait for the future–you?

Want to Tell the State to Stick It? Homeschool Your Kids Ah, yes, homeschool families really are a bunch of gun-waving, flag-toting right wing nutjobs…or was it flag-waving, gun-toting xenophobes? Oh, well, the point is they’re all a bunch of whack-job religious fundamentalists who are trying to stick it to the state and brainwash their children. You suspected it. But now Bill Flax is here to confirm your biases. Thanks for letting the cat out of the bag, Bill–being anti-progressive was a terrible burden to carry around. Now that the State, along with everybody else, knows the truth, they can get on with forcing our gun-toting children back into school (after replacing their guns with armfuls of daisies or pencils or whatever).

Military leaders lift ban on women in combat roles It’s about time equal opportunity involved sending women into combat! I can now sigh with relief because this means that women can and will be drafted when, not if, a draft becomes mandatory again. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, I say. The best part of all of this is in knowing that women in the military don’t have the faintest notion of what it means to be pregnant until they’re gasping with labor in Afghanistan. This will be one way to finally bring about the end of our empire and civilization. I’m sick of the American empire. I’m sick of our propensity for invading sovereign nations. This will, undoubtedly, do the trick. Once both men and women are drafted, the researchers spoken of in the above Wired article can finally implement the Robot Program, in which the vestiges of our families (starting with peaceable–I mean violent–homeschool families) can be turned into robots who always do what they’re told. Picking one’s nose is a lot better than picking this week’s enemy.

Hillary Clinton Retires It’s just as well. She’s done her duty. And, honestly, she’s part of the old way of American politics–those days when we didn’t have the sophistication necessary to truly track Americans. What will she do with herself? “…high on her list is catching up on her favorite HGTV show ‘Love It Or List It,’ where couples get to check out new homes while decorators overhaul their old home. Madam Secretary said she found the show ‘very calming.'” I don’t know about you, but a deep sadness fills my heart as I see the golden century of politics set like a Dionysus sun behind the hills of a once bright civilization.

Time and progress must march on.

*It has come to my attention that my sarcasm may not always be appreciated for what it is.

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